


the collapsing space

by hollow_city



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, the absolute best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:39:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14565237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollow_city/pseuds/hollow_city
Summary: by the eighth week, he's falling apart.[or: the war is over and peter isn't coping, but he’s getting there.]





	the collapsing space

**Author's Note:**

> i just saw infinity war for the second time, still cried, decided i needed to write something with peter to remind myself he won't be gone forever. i haven't delved into anything that's already been written yet, surprisingly, but i'm sure this has probably already been done before.  
> the title is from walk it back by the national.

The Avengers used to be Peter's heroes. He watched them come together and grow and save the world his whole life. He played with their action figures and read their comics and dressed as a different member every Halloween until he was thirteen. They were his favorite people in the whole world. 

But now he's one of them. And it doesn't feel like he thought it would. 

He doesn't understand. He thought being an Avenger would make him feel different. But it doesn't. He doesn't feel like a hero and he doesn't feel special. 

He feels like shit. 

And he can't understand how they're all okay. Even after everything they went through, they're all okay. The Avengers are together again, their ranks bolstering and their allies uncountable. They're happy, they live in the Compound together, but Peter doesn't get it. 

How can they be happy? He's not. 

"Peter?"

Peter's head shoots up from his desk, his eyes wide. His heart races as his eyes dart around the room, and for a moment, all he sees is dim, bent metal and decimated buildings. 

"Come on, Penis," Flash jeers in a whisper to his right. 

Everything snaps into focus. 

The whiteboard at the front of the room shines and the lights above beat down on him. He's not on Titan. He's just in his dingy history classroom. He's not standing beside a robot of a woman while his new friends disappear. 

"Mr. Parker," Miss Cain says sharply. "Do you know the answer?"

Peter's breath picks up as he reads the board, but the words don't make sense. The words don't work together and no matter how many times he reads through them, they don't make sense. So he stares. 

And stares. Until everyone is looking at him and his skin is crawling. 

She sighs. "Please pay attention. Flash?"

Peter doesn't hear the answer that Flash gives, and he doesn't hear whether it's right or not. His ears are ringing, and he breathes through it until he can hear the tapping of Betty's pencil against her notebook and the clock ticking on the wall.

"Parker," a voice whispers sharply from his left. His eyes snap over and meet MJ's. She's staring at him through narrowed eyes, her pencil resting on the unfinished eye of a crude sketch of Flash.

"Yeah?" he whispers back, blinking furiously. 

MJ frowns. "You need a break or something?"

Something in his chest cracks. A tiny crack that spiders out and spreads. He takes a deep breath and clenches his fingers around his pencil.

"Nah, I'm good."

\---

"So, here's what I'm thinking."

Tony steps in front of Peter and swipes the hologram to the side, spreading out the different pieces of the Iron Spider suit. It reveals additions in bright red and changes to the old features in bright green. 

"I almost took out the parachute, because clearly that doesn't work at all, but I realized that it's all you, kid," Tony tells him. "The parachute works just fine."

Peter's cheeks burn. "Sorry."

Tony waves him off. "Doesn't matter. So, what're you thinking, Spider-Kid?"

"What?"

"It's your suit, so tell me what you want."

Peter stares. He absently takes a step around the engineer and reaches up to move the hologram again, but his hand is shaking. He puts it down. He wants to look into the things Tony added for him, into the things he could improve and add to. He wants to admire the glimmering surface of the strangely flexible nanotech, Karen's new interface, the web-shooters.

But he can't.

All he can feel is the suit slowly disappearing from his body. He can feel the wind blowing through his chest. He can't feel his feet. Where are his hands? His knees feel like jelly. He can't breathe. Where are his lungs?

"Pete?"

Peter takes a deep breath and clears his throat. 

"A-Actually, I was thinking," he stammers. "I was thinking I could use my old suit?"

He turns around to look at Tony. His heart jumps at the confused, almost hurt look on the man's face. 

"Is there something wrong with this one?" Tony asks, schooling his face into his carefully constructed mask of carelessness. "We can change whatever you want. This was just-"

Peter cuts him off, his hands shaking deep in his jean pockets. "No! No, this is great, this is all great. I just... think it should, maybe, only be for, like, big things? Like intergalactic baddies?"

The hurt in Tony's eyes fades and Peter thanks his lucky stars that the man doesn't notice. 

"Yeah, sure, kid."

And Peter continues to pretend that the suit is the problem. 

\---

When it's all over, it takes Peter five weeks to gather the courage to put on the old suit. He focuses on the work he missed in school and spends time with Ned and MJ and he pretends that everything is okay. 

He visits the compound as often as he can, but he doesn't put on the suit. 

It isn't until the fifth Friday since it happened. 

He climbs to the roof of his apartment building and pulls on the suit, keeping his breathing deep and controlled all the while. He's aware that it won't be easy. He goes in with the knowledge that he's scared. 

Peter sits against the wall without the mask for three minutes, struggling to breathe. 

"Come on, Spider-Man," he mumbles, but it doesn't help him like it has before. He doesn't feel like Spider-Man. 

Spider-Man wouldn't freak out over a piece of overpriced cloth. But Peter Parker would. He rests his palms on the roof and pushes down, using the pressure to ground himself. 

The stars above him twinkle, a gentle reminder that Peter is much smaller than them. A reminder that they can suffocate him. 

Like ripping off a band-aid, he reaches up and yanks the mask over his face. Karen lights up and greets him cheerfully, but he can barely hear her over the static filter in his ears. The eyes of the suit adjust to the darkness, but it doesn't help Peter see. 

All he can see is the dark metal, the shiny spears, the look on Strange's face when they pushed into his skin.

With a gasp, Peter scrabbles at the mask until he can pull it up and over his nose. He throws it and it sails across the roof, landing in a pathetic, crumpled pile. 

But Peter can breathe now. He sucks in the cold city air like he's just surfaced from under the sea. 

He puts the suit in a box in his closet and he doesn't look at it for two weeks. 

\---

The strangest change that comes with the war is the sudden influx of Avengers. Or, rather, the number of people who now hang around the Compound. 

Sure, Steve, Sam, Natasha, Wanda, Bruce, and Bucky have all come back to the Compound. But now Strange will sometimes visit. T'Challa and Shuri will drop by occasionally. Even the Guardians visit Earth every once in a while. They don't spend too much time there, but they always stop by the Compound before they go. 

Somehow, the talking tree becomes Peter's best friend out of all of them. And it all happens in one day. 

"I am Groot," he grunts, sprawling himself over the couch beside Peter. 

Peter watches, his eyes wide and his hands in the air as he tries to figure out what exactly he's supposed to do here. His PS4 controller remains stuck to his right hand as he watches the small tree angrily jab at the buttons on his archaic game.

"I am Groot," Groot says, and even though he only speaks three words, Peter can hear the bitter sneer in them clearly. 

"Um, h-hi," he stutters, closing his fingers around the controller so he doesn't drop it. He turns to face Groot completely, his mouth fallen open slightly as he tries to figure out what to say. 

Groot grunts. 

Peter stares for another moment as he presses buttons until he loses, and makes a noise that seems awfully close to a whine. 

"I'm Peter," Peter introduces weakly. "And... you're Groot, I take it?"

Groot finally looks up, nods his head, and gets back into his game. 

Peter lets out a long breath and nods quickly.

"Okay, sure, right," he says under his breath, slowly turning back to his game. He tries to ignore the breathing tree to his left, but it's a bit hard when the noises of the hand-held fill the room.

Peter's being eaten by a dragon when he gets an idea.

"So, you like video games?" he starts, so painfully awkward that it takes physical effort not to wince at himself. Groot grunts again. "Is that the only one you have?"

Groot looks up and Peter finds himself staring into wide, brown eyes. 

"I am Groot," he says, nodding. 

Peter attempts a smile. "You should try this."

He offers the controller to Groot. He waits as he straightens in his seat and stares at the controller with open interest. He places his game down on the cushion beside him and slowly reaches out, the branches of his arm spreading to grab the controller from Peter. 

"You wanna play?" Peter asks. He thinks that Groot almost looks shy as he nods slowly. "Okay, here, you hold it like this..."

He spends the next twenty minutes explaining the controls of the game, showing Groot the objective, explaining how to use items. He watches as he takes Peter's character through the open world, sometimes running into walls and sometimes taking an arrow straight to the face. 

"I am Groot?" Groot asks when a giant comes lumbering toward Peter's character. 

"Yeah, if you use this," Peter reaches over and points to the correct button, "you can attack him. Or you can run."

Groot takes a moment, stares at the oncoming giant, and then he grins. It's wide and malicious, and he tears the giant apart. Peter is almost proud. 

It's almost an hour and four completed quests later that Groot presses the pause button. Peter looks away from the screen that he'd been so deeply invested in. 

"What's up?" he asks. 

Groot's eyes flick back and forth between Peter and something next to the TV. 

"I am Groot?" he says quietly after a moment. "I am Groot."

He reaches out an arm and the branches grow towards the TV until the tendrils can wrap around an unused controller that sits next to the console. He brings it back and holds it out to Peter. It takes Peter a moment to catch on. 

"You want to play something with me?" he asks, his eyebrows furrowing. 

"I am Groot."

Peter sits there for a moment before he breaks out into a grin and moves to sit on the edge of the couch. 

"Alright, we can't play this, though. This is a single-player game," Peter explains, turning on the controller. 

Groot shrugs his shoulders. "I am Groot," he demands. 

Peter doesn't speak whatever language Groot does, but he doesn't need to in order to figure it out. He logs Groot out of the game and his account and opens up another game. 

"Okay, this one is a lot different, but I think you'll get the hang of it."

As it turns out, Groot is one hell of a player, and he kicks Peter's ass by the third round.

For the next two hours, they play video games together. For the entirety of the two hours, Peter doesn't think about Thanos once. He doesn't think about the cold vacuum of space, of the dense heat of Titan. 

"Friday, can you turn up the AC?" he calls out, refusing to take his eyes off the screen. 

Groot had been getting better and better as they went, and the effort to stay ahead was actually starting to make Peter sweat. 

His mouth falls open in disbelief when Groot shoots his Falcon straight out of the sky. 

"Of course," Friday replies, and a sudden gust of cold air hits Peter's back.

Peter's fingers jerk and he crashes his new Falcon straight into the mountainside. His lungs feel tighter than they should, but he tries to breathe through it. He's a goddamn superhero, he should be able to handle some wind.

He closes in on Groot's character but stops moving when he sees him walk straight into the ocean. 

"I am Groot," Groot murmurs, and he sounds so  _sad_. Peter pauses the game and looks up, clearing his throat of the lump. "I am  _Groot_."

And Peter remembers. Groot was swept away, too. Groot knows. 

"Do you feel it, too?" Peter asks, his voice so quiet it almost makes no sound. 

"I am Groot," Groot replies, his hands tightly wound and his eyes misty. 

Something loosens in Peter's chest, and he swallows hard. 

Maybe he  _isn't_ the only one who feels this way. 

\---

Six weeks after the war, Peter has a new friend, New York still has no Spider-Man, and Steve has set up a new training system. 

It's a rotating system that includes all of the Avengers, mostly consisting of sparring.

For the first day, Bruce is paired with Tony. Bruce had decided after the escapade with the Hulkbuster that he wanted to learn to fight without the Hulk. Natasha is paired with Sam, much to the latter's dismay. Thor is with Bucky, with the one condition that no lightning is used. Rhodey is with Wanda. Vision decides to simply spectate because he hasn't quite figured himself out yet. 

And Peter is with Steve. 

"How's school been?" Steve asks, and Peter can tell he's just trying to make the atmosphere less tense. 

Peter shrugs. "It's fine."

(It's not. Peter's grades have plunged to the C range and he's constantly being scolded for not paying attention.)

Up until this point, they had just been lazily going after each other, blocking blows and getting a feel for each other now that they're in a less trying situation. But then Wanda goes at Rhodey with a tendril of red magic, and Peter's attention is fully removed from Steve's oncoming fist. 

The red light looks like the sky. 

Something hits the back of Peter's knee and it buckles, sending him sprawling to the floor. He's too out of it to find a way to keep himself up or get himself back to his feet immediately, so he lies there. He doesn't move a muscle, but his chest heaves like he's just been pulled back from drowning. 

"Peter? Are you alright, did I hurt you?" Steve is saying as he kneels beside him. 

Peter clutches at his chest and he tries not to see Tony's face in Steve's. There are no rocks digging into his back and there is no wind and there is nothing pulling him away from here. 

With one final desperate gasp for air, Peter launches himself to his feet. He overshoots and would end up flat on his face if not for Steve reaching out to steady him. 

"I just-" Peter chokes out, coughing roughly. "I remembered that I have this--this really important history project that I need to be working on."

He thinks maybe they call after him, but he's out of the room before he can comprehend any of their words.

He goes home, and he says that he is fine. 

\---

On the Monday of the eighth week, Peter turns in all of the work he's been missing and his grades rise to a steady B plus. It's not like it used to be, but he can manage it and it doesn't wear at his nerves everytime he checks his grade. 

By the eighth week, he's falling apart.

He could barely sleep before, but then he spent his nights trying to catch up on all of the things he'd left behind, and he didn't sleep at all. He hasn't been eating much, because he just can't stomach food. He doesn't enjoy the things he used to, not in the way that he used to.

He dozes off halfway through building the Millenium Falcon with Ned. He spaces out when MJ is telling him about a new art exhibit that's opening down the street. He almost drops his head directly into the Chinese takeout he and May are eating.

He isn't like he used to be, but he's supposed to be fine, so he deals. The other Avengers are managing perfectly fine after everything that happened to them, so he should be able to. 

So, Peter tries to distract himself in any way he can. Sometimes it's video games with Groot whenever he's in town, sometimes it's movie marathons with Ned, and this time, it's hunting through the school library for anything that's actually interesting. 

His fingers trail across the spines of books as he reads their titles, trying to find anything that catches his eye. His finger catches on an encyclopedia on the stars, and he immediately moves on. He stops on a book with an interesting cover and pulls it off the shelf. He's flipping through the first couple of pages when a hand plants itself on the shelf next to his head.

If he wasn't used to reining it in, Peter would've jumped straight into the ceiling. His heart pounds against his ribs as he spins around to see what the hell is holding his shoulder. 

"What's going on, Parker?" Flash sneers, and he's smiling. It's slimy and Flash thinks he's being funny, but Peter's not laughing.

All he can think about is the tiny space between him and the other boy and the fact that he can't get out because Flash's arms are trapping him in the corner. He's in a tiny space and he can't get out and he's  _trapped_. 

"F-Flash," Peter stammers, pushing against his chest weakly. 

Flash says something, but Peter is too busy trying to count the things he can see, count the things he can smell, the feelings, the sounds. He can feel his heartbeat thrumming through his entire body and his hands shake so hard his arms tremble. 

He's  _fine_ , he repeats over and over in his head until he almost believes it. 

"-er, Peter, come on, man."

Peter squeezes his eyes shut and presses into the comforting form that is his best friend. He gasps against Ned's shoulder, the images of exploding moons and ash flickering behind his eyelids. 

"I texted May, she's gonna come pick you up," Ned tells him in a low voice. 

He doesn't want this to be a big thing, but Peter's fists are clenched in Ned's shirt and his shoulders are jerking with silent sobs. 

He doesn't want this to hurt the way it does. He doesn't want this to feel the way it does. 

But it does. And he does feel this way. 

"It's okay, dude," Ned says, and Peter breaks.

He's not okay, but that's okay. 

Peter nods furiously against Ned's chest, but he doesn't say a word. He thanks his lucky star once more and wonders what in the world he did to deserve Ned. 

He doesn't say a word until he's curled tightly in the passenger seat of May's car. They sit in the school parking lot in silence for a few minutes, May's hand locked tightly around Peter's and resting on the console. 

May is the one who speaks first. 

"I told you that you could be Spider-Man," she starts, and her voice is rough. "And I still stand by that, I would never take that away from you, but you can't do this. You need to talk to me."

"I know," Peter whispers, staring off at the distant high school. 

May chuckles, but it lacks any mirth. "If you need help, Pete, you have to ask. I can't know if you don't talk to me."

Peter stares some more. He tightens his grip on her hand and closes his eyes for a moment. 

"All you have to do is ask, and I will do whatever I can possibly do."

Okay.

He's tried hard enough.

Peter looks up, his watery eyes meeting hers.

"I need help." 

**Author's Note:**

> i was purposefully vague about certain things because i'm a wimp.


End file.
